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Adam
Adam feels like
drinking
Pepsi while eating spicy food. What a ride. I like the way he laughs.
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Adriana
Adriana is a
savvy businesswoman and World Traveller. A little fairy told me she will be the host of
Complexcon 2042.
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Albert
Albert loves
sound.
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Alex
Alex recently got
in a terrible accident…. His muscles are very big, just like his smile.
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Alex
S.
Alex S. has been at sea for 48 months. Come home
Alex S.
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Alexei
Alexei Morita
(250k+ Tiktok) (IG deleted at 20M) (Clients include Nescafe, HotelX, Toronto Maple
Leafs, Bauer..) is a very nice guy. I wish I had his hair. I wish I had his smile, but
more than all that, I wish him good luck.
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Alwyn
Alwyn has a
convincing argument as to why the earth might be flat. I don't necessarily believe him,
but he got me pretty close. That dude is a level 10 triller.
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Andrew
Andrew has an
exceptional sound system in his car. And he knows when it’s time to start drinking. I
may
never understand exactly what it is that he does.
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Andrew
McC.
Andrew McC lived a healthy life before
accidentally signing up for basic training where he accidentally broke both of his knees
in a freak accident. He is now living in retirement under constant supervision. Thank
you for your service!
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Andrew
McT.
Andrew McT is my childhood neighbor. Andrew McT
loves roller coasters. Hey Andrew, have you ever tried Roller Coaster Tycoon? Me
neither!
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Andrew
R.
Andrew R. fell in love with a dog one time. But
now he is in love with a girl.
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Anna
B.
Anna B. is an angel, a porcelain baby-skinned
apparition with a heart of gold. One time she told me
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Anna
T.
Anna T. told me I could say whatever I want about
her.
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Austin
G.
Austin G. is the first billionaire™ I ever
met.
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Austin
M.
Austin Marton (not to be confused with the car
brand) looks like Jesse Pinkman's girlfriend from Breaking Bad (2009), if she had a
thick black mustache.
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Ben
Ben J is very similar to Gru from Despicable Me
(2011) He has created small nanobots that live inside the fridge in his basement. He has
also created a virtual monoculture of organic material, and I am afraid his hazmat suit
has a leak. He will be patient zero. Mark my words.
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Ben
J.
Ben J is very similar to Gru from Despicable Me
(2011) He has created small nanobots that live inside the fridge in his basement. He has
also created a virtual monoculture of organic material, and I am afraid his hazmat suit
has a leak. He will be patient zero. Mark my words.
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Blair
Blair is the
greatest chef I've ever met. I love talking to him about food, basketball and cats.
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Blue
Tony
Blue Tony only started drinking scotch in order
to prevent gagging during business deals. He is on track to becoming moderately wealthy.
Not to be confused with Tony (see Tony).
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Brendan
Brendan is the
first true carnivore I've ever met. Here's his daily diet: Post-Workout Coffee (500ml)
(Emulsify 1 stick melted butter) at 4AM. 34 oz T-Bone Steak. Basted in 1 stick of
butter. 6PM. Sleep tight Brendan!
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Cailin
Cailin made me
the greatest cup of coffee I've ever drank. Thanks Cailin!
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Callum
Callum always
wears
undershirts. He loves Grand Theft Auto. I think that he is a spy. His eyes have cameras
inside them. I wonder if he works out.
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Carina
Carina is the
catalyst to my fashion taste. In 2016, she woke me up to the world that exists outside
of Walmart and Joe Fresh. I credit her for my swag. Nowadays, I shop at Walmart and Joe
Fresh.
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Chevron
Chevron is a
tall pike. He is a star triangle. He is a grande chai tea latte HOT. He might not know
it, but it's all going downstairs...
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Chris
Chris dressed like
banana boat sunscreen one day. (pictured left) He's really good at dancing.
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Chuck
Chuck McIntosh is
best friends with Raf. He may come across as a little grumpy, but he means the best and
wants to see the kids fly.
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Clare
Clare inspires me
to
run, but i hate running. I think she must be happy as someone who is physically active.
I
think i might be too.
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Colin
I've only met
Colin recently, but he's a great bloke and works hard. I hope that in the next two
weeks, he has at least one very nice relaxing day.
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Cruz
Cruz is way shorter
than
i remember, so it’s always a surprise to see her. She is a nice shiny bubble that pops
when
you touch it. It’s a good memory.
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Damian
Damian is a
former soldier, a famous actor, and a total hunk. Don't ask him how he got his "scar"...
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Dan
Dan is like an
interesting rock, in that he has been cool far longer than you could imagine. Dan
reminds me
of mold (non-derogatory).
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Daniel
Daniel is a
global powerhouse. I like the way he laughs. I remember smoking cigarettes with Daniel
in the basement of an unknown Italian family in 2018.
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Danny
Danny is a man of
few words, but he always put a smile on my face.
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Dean
Dean is a ghost
from a past life. The only evidence of his existence is through this photo. I think he
yelled at me once, but I forgive him since he currently lives on the street I was born
on, which is a nice coincidence.
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DJ
Son
DJ Son is an artist/producer/event DJ/and a
physics student based in Ottawa Ontario Canada. Here is DJ Son's mission
statement: Being a beacon of hope and give relief from the barrage of relentless
negativity and anti integrity/values from the major record labels to all the ages.
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Dylan
Dylan is a
handsome young lad who looks like he plays hockey. He originates from Ocean City and
rides a Harley Davidson.
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Dylan
B.
Dylan B. comes off as a total dirtbag. He really
set a terrible first impression, but after a long time I realized that Dylan is actually
quite an intelligent man. He has certain schemes which I cannot speak about at this
time.
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Dylan
P.
Dylan P. is a top-level redditor. I find joy and
novelty in his company. If he ever gets bored with all that money, I personally invite
him to spend it all on my personal interests.
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Elliot
Elliott lives in
Miami now, but we forgive him since he's a kindhearted supportive mentor figure. One day
I want to beat Elliott in an arm-wrestling competition.
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Emmanuelle
Emmanuelle is
a
secret agent. I’m not sure if she knows it yet. Either way, she has an eye for
everything.
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Et3rnalSumm3r
Et3rnalSumm3r
reminded me while we met, to value my youth.
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Feef
In this world there
are people who are stars, and people who are rocks. Feef is a star. He is very strong
and inspires me to have more control over my body. One day he will float into the sky.
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Finn
Finn is a great
philosopher. I think he believes in vaping and becoming a tradesperson. In 5-10 years,
he will live in Alberta with his wife and two daughters. Fun Fact: He will receive a CAD
$5000 moving bonus after living & working in Alberta for 12 months.
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Fred
Fred is a method
actor.
Right now he’s playing a human being. Fred lives in Toronto. I like that part.
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Gabe
Gabe is the lord of
wealth. He has a cool car, 2 motorcycles and an awesome job. He is constantly generous,
compassionate, welcoming and warm. One day he will find the love of his life.
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Gabriel
Gabriel is the
youngest GOAT in Toronto. One day, I will shine his shoes.
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Georgia
Georgia would
probably make great reviews for Temu or Shein.
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Graham
Graham is a top G
and he knows it. He has special ears that can hear things that nobody else does. He's
gonna make a big car one day.
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Gwen
Gwen is
suspiciously
witchy, but in a good way. I think that her and Cameron brew potions while everyone is
sleeping. Perhaps not even Cameron knows her secrets.
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Heran
Heran is a
visionary. She lives 25 years ahead of time.
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Ian
Ian once told me
"Never ever, under ANY circumstance, drink a cappuccino in the afternoon" I later saw
him drinking a cappuccino at 15:30. He denies it to this day. Next time you go to
Thailand Ian PLEASE bring us back Chang Beer™ hats. I want to steal your swag.
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Ingrid
Ingrid is a part
of the circus.
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|
Jack
Jack is a million
dollar
man. I think he’s never smelled bad once. He would flirt with a wall if it could talk
back.
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Jacob
Jacob Phair is a
bundle of love and joy. He has a special knack for recommending good nickelback songs.
One day Jacob will scare us.
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Jake
Jake Norman gave up
on his life when he abandoned his 600-episode-long TV series which he had been actively
writing for several years. Now he works as a casting producer for Canada's Got Talent.
One day Jake will run over someone with his car.
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Jaylen
Jaylen loves milk
and the Pittsburgh Penguins.
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Jeremy
AD
Jeremy AD recently grew a moustache. He is very
handsome now! Thanks Jeremy!
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Jill
Jill is like a nice
big
smile. I think she knows a thing or two about the world’s secrets. Like a warm cup of
tea.
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Joey
Joey is like a big
dog who thinks he's a small dog. He will hide behind a small tree thinking you won't see
him.
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Jono
Jono is a vampire.
His bedroom is really cool because it's so dark and moody but also covered in beautiful
flowers. He has a very powerful flashlight and a back massager. He inspires everyone
around him to smoke weed and drink red bull. Jono has nice nails.
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Josh
Josh is a silly
little
trickster. He has a sneaky smile and a good creative soul. One day i think he will have
a
nice car.
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JP
JohnPaul Mario (JP)
is a lover, a critic, a knower, and a hater. He has grand ideas, and small issues, but
overall he is my friend. He teaches everyone around him a cool thing or two that makes
the world feel a little more interesting. If you ever see him on the street, tell him:
"F*ck off Geezer".
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The
Joker
The Joker is JP's alter ego. One day JP will
be driven insane and turn to a life of crime and chaos in Gotham City while becoming an
infamous psychopathic crime figure.
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Kaela
Kaela was a nice
person, she always tried to make things right.
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Karensa
Karensa is my
favourite tornado. She shows me new colours and i like that.
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Katie
B.
Katie B. is the greatest darts player I've ever
met. Last time i faced her, I lost a $3000 dollar wager. I'll get you next time Katie...
grr...
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Katie
S.
Katie S. reminds me a lot of garfield. That may
seem like an insult, but it's actually a glowing compliment. I also think that her
dedication to solving geopolitical tensions in southern Ontario™ is admirable.
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Kahma
Kahma is a pure
soul.
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|
Kevin
Kevin Pavlov is
physically in Ottawa, Ontario, but his heart and soul are in the prairies. He knows how
to play the guitar. I love the way his singing voice has changed over the years.
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Kinkade
Kinkade is an
angel.
I think he will live forever. His smile is contagious.
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Kian
Kian loves cigars, his
vineyard, and his Mercedes Benz™.
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Kiyan
Kiyan doesn’t like
to
talk after he takes edibles, but that’s okay because we already know he is very smart.
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Kris From
White's
Kris from White's is a legendary man. He is
always so chill and nice. Whenever I see him he always daps me up. I love that guy sm
man.
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Krish
Krish got his
motorcycle stolen recently, but then he got it back.
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Kyle
C.
Never cross this man. If he wants to talk smack about
someone with you, he will approach you and say "So... what do you think about that
person?".
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Kyle
H.
Kyle H. has been missing from the function for like
4.5 years but that doesnt mean I don't fw him heavy. Keep skating and crushing "bowls".
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Lucy
Lucy used to own a Sony
a7iii, but after a few years she realized that cameras don't matter. What really matters
is being nice, being welcoming, sharing ideas, and having fun! Lucy looks like she can
see ghosts.
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Mackenzie
Mackenzie is like an old acoustic guitar. He always
smells good and earthy and always has a nice song to sing. One day I will go to his
house
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Mariella
Mariella has very long hair. It reminds me of a
waterfall. I like her take on life: "It's better to be lucky than to be good".
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Mark
Mark has been hiding in a cave on the southwest side of
the Scarborough Bluffs for a while now. He has an evergreen sort of bliss to him. If
Mark was ever in the same room as Kinkade, I think the world would explode.
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Matt
C.
Matt C. is a very crazy boy. I think he knows
that
too. If the game of life was set to easy mode, he’d be your first BFF.
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Matt
H.
Matt H. is a very safe driver. He also likes
Pokemon.
I think that’s awesome.
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Matt
L.
Matt Leiper (More commonly known as Marcel
Laurent) is famously known for becoming voluntarily homeless on the coast of France in
2023. He spent over 3 weeks on the streets, building a cult following day after day of
performing amazing reggae music on the beach. On the third day Marcel was ravaged by a
famous spider, leaving him covered in bites and scars. He may or may not have developed
powers after "IT" happened…
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Megan
Megan is a
prototype for the next generation of Epic Society. She loves her Bape™ sweater and
always finds time to smoke a tasty cigarette. One day I will pay her for the amazing art
she makes.
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Mei
Mei is an enigma. I
think
she must be a DLC character. She always appears in random cutscenes. Her paintings are
cool.
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Meredith
Meredith is an
important figure, she is the matriarch. I learn a lot when she’s around.
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Michael
Michael is a very
smart person. I admire his intellect and judo skills. One day he will have a nice
backyard.
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Nick
D.
Nick D. is a total trainwreck. He has no swag, no
balls, no life, no wife, no kids, no fruits of labour. But God damn he's so damn hot in
this photo… and hey, you know what he said one time? "I just work here" ;)
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Nick
S.
Nick loves comic books, spaghetti, and B&W
movies. He is ashamed of his Scottish heritage, and claims to be Italian when amongst
strangers.
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OD
OD
will change the
world for the better. She gives excellent advice.
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Oliver
Oliver is a S tier
guy. He loves nerf guns and pumping iron. One day he will have a lovely family and a
large backyard.
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Oy
Lein
Oy Lein is a featherweight socialite with no
taste for alcohol or music. She mainly spends her time inside researching seed variants
(mainly native to northern Mexico).
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P
P
is a former student
of Virgil Abloh. One day she will be on the TIME's magazine list of 100 most influential
figures.
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|
Paolo
Paolo is the
reincarnation of Jesus Christ™.
|
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|
PCtheInfamous
PCtheInfamous
is an aspiring rapper and fashion designer. He makes custom apparel using upcycled
materials, with a punk/grunge/distressed feel. Most of his pieces are completely
handmade, and often incorporate inspiration from the music he listens to, as well as the
feelings he absorbs from living in Montreal (especially during the winter).
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PettyPuta
PettyPuta is a
strong supporter of the arts (specifically our art). It is often speculated that her
joint rolling skills were unmatched at their peak in 2019.
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Polaroid
Kev
Polaroid Kev (K-Rod) is the all-time greatest
GOAT of all time. When T-Pain had the opportunity to meet K-Rod, they bonded instantly.
Unfortunately, T-Pain got mad when K-Rod parked the Chevrolet™ Suburban™ on the wrong
side of the lake, famously forcing T-Pain to walk almost 300m.
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Polly
Polly and Blue Tony
recently had a falling out, but ironically, it was not her fault this time. See, Blue
Tony was caught using her car for "business purposes" last month and it's safe to say
she was NOT happy. Well surprise surprise, yesterday she caught Blue Tony AGAIN but this
time he was in MIAMI!!!
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Prudence
Prudence used to
be my wife. We had a gut-wrenching divorce. We are friends now.
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Raf
Raf
is best friends
with a man named Chuck. Oftentimes he smiles and nods, but I can't tell if he means it.
I think Raf would really enjoy camping.
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Randy
Randy.
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Roman
Roman is a beam of
sunlight through a nice old glass window. He has such wonder in his eyes, but I wonder
if he ever feels lonely. At least he has God with him.
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|
Ryan
W.
Ryan Wazik is a freak man, like a total freak. He
showed me some awesome russian wrestling videos that took him 5 months to torrent. I
love this guy. Ryan, if you're reading this, it's too late.
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Sabina
Sabina is a
superfood.
She can clean her house while hungover. I find that very impressive.
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Sahan
Sahan works at a
Nuclear Power Plant And Loves Fencing. I am grateful that he continues to invite me to
the annual Christmas Party. I remain bashful that I could not make it in 2018.
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Sam
Sam
is such a classy
guy.
He wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was being annoying. Sam reminds me of Backwoods and
808’s.
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Santiago
Santiago is so
colourful. If you gave him a pair of shoes for every pair of shoes he has, he would have
at least 120 pairs of shoes. He has a nice smile.
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Scott
R.
Scott R. loves three things: Cats, Candy, and his
swim spa.
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Scott
S.
Scott S is amazing. He is a loving father of
three boys, and is commonly referred to as the greatest British actor of all time. His
role as Poncious Pilot in the soon-to-be cult classic "PERCOCET JESUS" made waves on the
IMDB homepage in mid-2025.
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Shane
Shane is very very
cool. He loves camo hats and wears a nice moustache.
|
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|
Shari
Shari hates my
overuse of emojis. Shari I'm sorry, I can't help myself, I love emojis.
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|
Sofiacide
Singer
I can't remember this guy's name for the life
of me… but he is so sweet and a great singer!
|
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Spooky
Spooky always
eats
toothpicks, i wonder if he has ever swallowed one by accident. Either way, i think he
will
go far in life. And i like the shape of his head.
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Stephen
Stephen is very
special. He reminds me of a bag of Lays Original Chips. He is sneakily very good.
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|
Sydney
Sydney always
knows
where the vape is, even if she won’t admit it. I admire her swagger.
|
|
|
Tam
Tam loves
squishmellows and has anger issues. I think she will be a happy wife to Krish. We bonded
over our shared love of The Minions™.
|
|
|
Tech
Tech said something
very important to me one time. He looked me in the eyes and clenched his teeth.
"stillworking" He muttered. Tech is genuinely one of the kindest people you'll see in
Toronto. He will remember your face and show you love no matter how long it's been.
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Tess
Tess is like a
passport. If you lose her, you're screwed.
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|
Thomas
A.
Thomas Allan is a forever student. He currently
holds three bachelor's, two master's, and a doctorate in chess theory. After a brief
hiatus, he will invent the small sky theory.
|
|
|
Thomas
V.
Thomas Varghese is a global traveller, music fan,
amateur photographer, certified leadership coach, and textile mogul. His instagram
presence is genuinely inspiring to western youth, mainly through his portrayal of living
an honest and loving life. His retirement was a massive hit to the textile industry, but
those he coached will carry his torch into the dark.
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|
Vanessa
Vanessa loves
calico critters. I think if she ever got dementia, she would definitely spend all of her
money on calico critters.
|
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|
Vrish
Vrish has one of
my favourite laughs. You can tell he really means it. His party trick is to fall down a
full set of stairs without injuring himself. It's quite impressive, really.
|
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|
Wendy
Wendy is my idol.
|
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|
Will
C.
Will C. was like a father to me. Losing him was
one of the toughest things I've endured. I hope the trip to Greece was worth it...
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|
Will
W.
Will Wang, I miss you! How have you been?
|
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|
William
William Leathers
is the most talented musician I know. He can play the Piano and the Trumpet at the same
time. William has shown me nothing but kindness in my years as his friend. I hope that
William
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|
Xylk
Xylk is a rockstar,
the type who likes to be very sneaky and serious but deep down is so warm and loving. He
has a childlike wonder which makes him special.
|
|
|
Yerb
Yerb loves Tim
Hortons™ Peach Iced Tea.
|
|
|
Yern
Yern loves Tim
Hortons™ Peach Iced Tea.
|
|
|
Zellers
Zellers is the
strongest man I know. One day he will save the life of an innocent child involved in the
car crash caused by Jake Norman.
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